Slowing
Down by FabulousMonster
Website: n/a
Rating: MSR, PG
Summary: Scully's emotional state of mind after "all things."
Comments: A lovely journey with Scully to how she is dealing with life...
with her family, with herself, and with Mulder. Very excellent depiction of
how she's "slowing down" in a good way :-)
TITLE: Slowing Down
AUTHOR: FabulousMonster
EMAIL ADDRESS: fabulousmonster@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters. They are the
property of Ten-Thirteen, Chris Charter and Co. and FOX.
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Gossamer and Spooky Awards, yes.
Anywhere else, just let me know.
SPOILER WARNING: Up to and including Season 7's
"all things."
RATING: PG
CLASSIFICATION: V, A, MSR, Scully POV
SUMMARY: Scully's emotional state of mind after "all
things."
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yep, I'm joining the
"all things" fanfic
lollapalooza. I tried to avoid it, but it's pulled me in.
Special thanks to my betas Hillary, Karen, and Duke who
always provide me with excellent comments and suggestions.
Feedback is always appreciated...hey, I live for it!
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Slowing Down
I am slowing down.
I leave my apartment fifteen minutes
earlier in the
mornings so I don't have to deal with the frustrations of
rush-hour traffic. I have begun to leave the office before
eight o'clock at night because I only work for the FBI--I
am not owned by it.
I meet my Mom for dinner once every
two weeks. We also
drop in on each other unannounced, and neither of us
begrudges it. We shop, drink Starbucks, and go to movies.
She tells me more about the movie stars she finds
attractive than I need to know. I confess to an
appreciation for Laurence Fishburn. She shares stories
about my Dad as a young man and her hopes and dreams as a
young woman. I tell her I admire her for raising four
children virtually alone. She cries.
I am slowing down.
I work out regularly, but not just
in the solitary
pursuits of running and swimming. I am now the newest
member of our Forensic Science softball team, 'The
Y-Incisions.' We expect to make the playoffs this year.
I speak at a medical conference in
San Diego. While I'm
there, I reestablish contact with Bill, Charlie, and their
families. I am a good aunt and take the kids to the zoo. I
sit outside in the backyard as Bill barbecues and Charlie
critiques, and reminisce and laugh. I appreciate my
brothers for the fine men they have become. My approval is
important to both of them--they look at me as an extension
of my father. I talk in general about my work, and Bill
actually listens. I promise to come for Christmas this
year.
I am slowing down.
I join Skinner for lunch at least
once a month. We don't
speak of the medical technology keeping us alive, or even
the cases that define our work. Instead, we chat about
office and government politics, and he makes me laugh with
his Janet Reno impression. Sometimes he talks quietly
about Vietnam. I think I can trust him when CGB Spender
surfaces again.
I attend church every Sunday even
if I am out of town. I
still explore other beliefs--Buddhism, Taoism, Navaho, and
Judaism--as part of my spiritual journey, but Catholicism
remains my foundation. The tenets learned in my childhood
provide comfort to me today.
I always light a candle for Emily.
I am slowing down.
I notice little things more. The ticking
of the mantle
clock in my apartment used to bother me; now I find it
restful. I respond to colors and textures. I think
I may revamp my wardrobe: it doesn't seem to fit me
anymore. I'm beginning to see the attraction of sunflower
seeds. I am letting my hair grow again.
I visit Missy's grave every month
and bring fresh flowers.
I sit on a blanket and talk to her about work, our family,
how beautiful the cherry blossoms are in Washington this
time of year, and how much I miss her. I don't feel
awkward or self-conscious.
I am slowing down.
To the delight of The Gunmen, I become
a subscriber to
their newsletter. They want me--under an alias--to be a
contributing editor, providing an opposing opinion to one
of their theories each month. 'It will be like
Point/Counterpoint,' they tell me. I sense a set-up. I eat
cheesesteaks with them instead.
I meet Daniel for a drink one month
after he leaves the
hospital. He seems to be physically well. He still wonders
if we have a future. I kiss him gently on the cheek and
encourage him to be a father and a grandfather. We say
good-bye and I know I will never see him again. There is a
dull ache in my chest, but pain is a symptom of healing.
I am slowing down.
I decide to stop running from the
virus that infected me.
I made a promise to myself a year ago to seek a cure; now
I am following through. I owe it to Penny, Gibson, and
Cassandra. I think I might even owe it to Jeffrey and
Diana. Facing my fear is challenging--but taking charge of
my life is invigorating.
I dream of my Dad. We fish together
and he lets me steer
the boat. He is not disappointed in me.
I am slowing down.
I speak to me and I listen. I release
the guilt for Emily,
Melissa, and the others I have hurt in the past. The
monsters that are Pfaster and CGB Spender don't invade my
dreams as much as before. I see my life as a doctor and a
FBI agent coming together instead of running parallel and
I am glad. I stop fixating on the implant in my neck; I
simply appreciate being alive. My penitence for living
while others have died is no longer necessary.
I forgive myself for the choices I
have made. I forgive
myself for mistakenly believing they may have been the
wrong ones.
I am slowing down.
And in forgiving myself, all things
become possible. I
begin to believe in ice tea and sleeping bags. I believe
in the promises made in hallways, doorways, and hospital
waiting rooms. I have searched for the truth for seven
years--and I am struck by the irony that its lanky frame
has been standing right in front of me the entire time.
I will be a wife. I will be a mother.
I will be where I
want to be at this time of my life.
I am slowing down.
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AUTHOR'S NOTES PART 2: In some ways, I regard this story
as a continuation of how Scully's emotional life has
evolved through two of my other fanfics, "i am," and "A
Small Woman Among Large Men." You can read "i am" at
Chronicle X at http://chroniclex.simplenet.com, and "A
Small Woman..." at Sparky's Doghouse at
http://members.xoom.com/The_Doghouse. Both are also on
Ephemeral.
I chose Laurence Fishburn as Scully's
favorite actor
because GA said she admired him in an Entertainment Weekly
article.
Have I mentioned that I love feedback?
Please visit Laine's CrystalShip at
http://members.xoom.com/Crystal_Ship.
